Taking his seat on a plane due to leave for Amsterdam at Humberside Airport, a man noticed an attractive woman coming into the plane. As she came closer, she looked more and more desirable. He certainly hoped that she might sit in the spare seat beside him and was very pleased when she did. Wondering what the forty minutes' flight and even arrival at the destination might bring, he wanted to strike up a conversation.
After a frustrating silence, he said, suddenly, "Business trip or holiday?"
She paused, turned, smiled and replied, "Academic. I'm going to the Social Pyschology Conference at Amsterdam, presenting a paper, based on my direct research and related secondary research of colleagues."
"What is it about?"
"The Conference is on Sexuality with special reference to the Myths and Realities of Nymphomania."
He coughed. This was getting better. "And your paper?"
"The Interaction of Myths of Ethnicity and Sexual Performance."
This was defintely very good. As the plane started he quickly realised that for something like the next hour (given the arrival movements at Schipol) he was next to a very beautiful, intelligent woman, happy to talk, and, if he played his cards right, might even be a part of her - what - direct research!
So he asked, "You have some findings, obviously."
"Ongoing, ongoing. It is not complete. This is before publication."
Ongoing? This was getting better still. "You are are obviously going to say something to colleagues."
"Lecture and workshops. Well the preliminaries are for the conference of course - but I can headline them."
"Please, please do."
"Popular myths - the starting point. The workshop will get people to recall the myths."
"Humm. Like French men are the best lovers?" He could think of more unsafe things to say.
"Quite a myth. What about, say, the best potential lovers? is that more difficult?"
"I don't know. Er... where we are going." They were over Lincolnshire. "The Dutch, say the Dutch. Look," he said, being progressive and clever, "all this is nothing to do with reality. Well, so, what is your research then because the common myths are well known. Research means reality?"
"I can see you are well interested. You've missed race and penises."
He hadn't. He just had not said anything. "Go on."
"You know, slaves, sexuality, the threat, and long penises representing threat? You know, same place, ethnically a number of Native North American groups valued long penises and seemed to have them. They had status, and if they weren't born like that they had means with twine and rocks. Colleagues in the United States and I (on my visits) investigated coupling and dimensions. Psychologically, it improves performance no end. Now, then there is Greek culture that's encouraged far more in the way of romance and sexual performance and we have studied their actual behaviour right the way to the bedroom. Look, why are you going to Holland?"
Whilst this was surely getting excellent, he played it cool. Holding back a growing excitement, he asked carefully, "And what about those potential lovers then?"
"Not the Dutch. The Irish. Of all Catholic countries and the young populations, they always showed the most potential, but it was always potential, mind, examining as we did records of courtship rituals and promises, like in diaries and folk tales, even suggested in novels, and then attitudes into the realities of marriage until overcome by the Irish struggle. Now the Irish so value their relationships and families and by all the psychosexual reports make great lovers. I met some Irish myself..."
He stopped her. "Publishing, importing. I'm mixing business and some days pleasure. I have free days in Holland, in Holland. Visiting. Meeting. But free."
"Are you free then in two days? I can submit your name for entry to our conference. It is invitation only. I'll meet you there. I need your name."
Dreams were coming true, as the plane passed the coastline and headed over the blue sun-reflecting. "My name, I'll write it for you, so your people give me admittance: it is, umm, Tonto Papadopoulos, known to colleagues as, yeah, Paddy."
And with his entry to her secret place assured, he steered the conversation elsewhere, looking forward to when he was let in and greeted by her warmly.