Religious Lingerie Department

A woman walks into the Religious Department store and is curious to find a department selling lingerie.

She starts to look along the labels for bras and for knickers, and they are arranged according to Christian denominations and then faiths. Here are some of the choices:
Roman Catholic

Bra: Supports the mass.
Knickers: Built of solid material for single women and no protection for married women.
Anglican: General/ Broad

Bra: For different individual breast volumes with front centre opening that tends to fall apart due to weakening.
Knickers: All forms are available as most Anglicans are too confused to discuss this area, but note a tendency to general pink or purple among the broad to high.
Anglican: Evangelical

Bra: Black, low, plain(ish).

Knickers: White and tight - everything is either black and white and tightly drawn.
Anglican: High Church

Bra: Elaborate designs and much more obvious light and sparkle than the Roman Catholics.

Knickers: Suit the men as well as the women, tend to be purple.
Anglican: Liberal

Bra: Modernist effort that tries to be a well thought out construction and yet a little flash-symbolic too.

Knickers: Intend to suit anyone but tend to come off easily.
Eastern Orthodox

Bra: From the old style from some time after they were invented and developed into an elaborate design (for male appreciation) but never changed since.

Knickers: Voluminous and multi-layered, but, designed by men, they are a challenge to put on and take off.
Liberal Catholic Church (and variations since)

Bra: Highly reflective material in combined gothic designs but only available in small numbers.

Knickers: Suit all sexes and gender orientations, and glow in the dark.
Independent Sacramental Movement (other than LCC/ LCCI)

Bra: Designs, despite being carefully documented as coming from Roman Catholic and Orthodox, are strangely avante garde.

Knickers: Despite doubts about the Anglican high Church design, a yet equal preference for the purple.
Old style Methodist

Bra: Support to prevent sagging, often unshapely though.

Knickers: Large, sometimes tight,sometimes many layered, and difficult to remove once on, for anyone.
Modern Methodist

Bra: Rather weak and does not hold up much weight.

Knickers: Tend to fall off more frequently than expected.
Salvation Army

Bra: Strong construction to lift up the fallen and lack of elaborate design.

Knickers: Made of brass.

Bra: Only for the adult who confirms needing one, and once you are in you are tied in.

Knickers: Once they go on you're committed no matter what you look like.
United Reformed Church

Bra: A combination of general and individual styles that doesn't necessarily work in the actual case.

Knickers: Puzzling designs that seem to suit people with three or four legs.

Bra: No consistent design whatsoever, indeed some with a picture on the packaging only come with the material to make your own.

Knickers: Suit small groups of women and their shapes and sizes, but never quite fit individuals.

Bra: Minimalist, strapless or see-through for using reduced quantity of material.

Knickers: Simplicity of design for the essentials.
Society of Friends (Quaker)

Bra: Nude colour giving the initial impression of nothing happening.

Knickers: Designed to be loose and suit the individual.

Bra: A lot of work on this to produce one design with the most economical material in the most efficient production method for the highest number but actually not selling very well.

Knickers: Equally efficiently made but many customers cannot see the point most of the time.

Bra: Made of golden thread but tends to fall apart when examined.

Knickers: Suitable for maximum procreation but tends to break when parts investigated. Took the Roman Catholic idea for adult knickers, but it became changed, like they took the King James style of English, and other pastiche...

Bra: Combination of incompatible styles made into a new design.

Knickers: From designs all around the world and must stay on until marriage.

Bra: Made of material that vanishes over time after which breasts should support themselves.

Knickers: Pure curves and made of material that fuses into the skin over time.

Islam (Announcement Only)

Bra: Only available by male order and never seen in the shops.

Knickers: No one in the store has any idea.


Bra: Enticing designs and glorious colours, often in the heavens.

Knickers: Designed for looking good no matter in what position.


If you came here actually looking for bras, knickers or lingerie in general, try some of these:

Bon Prix




Adrian Worsfold

Pluralist - Liberal and Thoughtful