Bamboo: the 'Commacidal' Panda

There was this panda in the zoo called Bamboo (the panda was called Bamboo, not the zoo). As his zookeeper came round (he was putting on weight), Bamboo said, "There must be more to life than munching shoots and leaves."
    "Well, you're an intelligent panda," said Zack the zany zookeeper, "so why don't you go down to the library to find out more about the lives of pandas. It's out that way and turn left on the road and get the bus it until it becomes High Street and it's on the right." The zookeeper gave him some money for the fare but Bamboo having pocketed the money decided he'd prefer a walk.
    So the panda, not needing to dig downwards, and realising that a bus never turned into a street (but then buses are always turning into streets) and it was not high, went on his way. He realised the library must be on the right. The staff at the library said he needed a book on wildlife and directed him to the reference section. The panda, realising that all the books were on shelves, had a read of an appropriate encyclopaedia and immediately thought that he ought to be having a much more exciting life.
    Bamboo then went to some local shops as part of his new life and ended up at the cafe (though he had not moved vertically on this occasion). He ordered a tasty chocolate cake. When the waitress brought him the bill, he took out his newly purchased gun from his pocket (where the money had been) and shot her dead. He then left the cafe as he had come in (but in the opposite direction).
    The police received a description that said: 'Highly dangerous black, white and red furious furry creature with a gun' (although a description cannot speak and it was not higher than most dangerous things, that is the panda not the description). Bamboo was soon arrested by an armed response unit whilst playing on a one armed bandit (that's Bamboo playing on the one armed bandit, not the armed response unit).
Bamboo was interviewed by a detective, to whom the panda mentioned the book he'd used, and the detective decided they'd better all see it and went out of the interviewing room (note that the panda had used the book, not the detective; that the detective, not the room, did the interviewing; and that only the detective left the room, not everyone). The book was obtained from the library by another officer who eventually brought it into the room (the library stayed where it was).
    "He has seen it but you have to show the detective what you read for reasons of evidence," said the delivering officer, who then left the room, leaving an officer sat on guard (who was there when he had come in - that is when the delivering officer had come in, not the officer sat down who was already there). Bamboo thought he had never read the book for reasons of evidence but to find out what he should do with his life.
    Nevertheless, Bamboo found the entry for 'Panda' again; he also thought he'd better read the entry for 'Homicide detective' to get a better idea of what his job was (the interviewer's not Bamboo's, who was unemployed). Although in Bamboo's judgment the detective was not very plain in his attire, Bamboo nevertheless immediately asked the officer sitting in for additional personal protection. The officer refused. Bamboo got up and passed the sitting officer shouting, "I want personal protection!"
    The officer called out, "Sit down, just like I am doing," and Bamboo went back to his place but could not do it just like the officer because he was shivering (Bamboo was shivering, not the officer, as he was actually quite warm, meaning the officer was quite warm - although Bamboo was warm too but he was shivering for a different reason).
    At this point the detective came in past the sitting officer. He produced a gun and shot the panda dead (the detective did this, not the sitting officer). The sitting officer stood up (so he was the sitting officer no longer) and the gun was passed to him.
    As a result it was the detective who ended up in court himself. And all this happened because of the rotten punctuation in the encyclopaedia.
    The Judge said, "You behaved not like a homicide detective but like a homicidal detective. You will go behind bars for thirty years."
    Once everyone had decided what was behind bars and what was in front of them (meaning what constituted behind and in front, not any of the objects at either side in any particular case), the now former detective (so called because he'd become something he was but was no longer) took up Baboo's former residence (which was not moved vertically at all, but was yet another place defined by what it was and was no longer). Whilst the former detective was behind the bars, other people were in front of the bars. They were in front because they could go to either side of them and beyond, whereas the former detective could not go either side of them, or beyond, understanding that either side is either edge looking at them from that point of view (meaning what could be seen, not an opinion, and more than one point of view anyway).

Panda: Black and white bear-like mammal that eats, shoots and leaves.
Homicide detective: A usually plain clothes detective that investigates, murders and goes to court.


Adrian Worsfold

Pluralist - Liberal and Thoughtful



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